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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

First and Third

School is back in session.  Emma and Eleanor were so excited this morning, they have amazing teachers and fun groups of kids in their classes.   All the same, I had a lump in my throat and worked hard not to cry on the playground.  Why the heavy heart, we go to the most amazing school and the kids love it?    Unknowingly, Emma answered my question this morning.  She told me it was ok if I went to wait with the first graders, because "you can't be in two places at once, mom".  And I can't, not just physically but emotionally either.  The beginning of the school year, like a birthday, is a marker of time and instinctively, these big change days make me want to stop the clock, back it up, not face the new beginning.  This is the place my heartache grows from, that wish to go back, that fear to go forward because it's all just going by too fast.  But today Emma's words ring in my ears, you can't be in two places at once.   I can't simultaneously wish to go back in time and fully live today.  I see my girls, 8 and 6, so beautiful and brilliant and fun and while I loved the babies and toddlers they once were I truly don't want to go back in time, I'm having too much fun with these people. Forever more, on the first day of school I give myself permission to be a bit blue on the playground (someday the sidewalk, the parking lot, the driver's seat, the front porch, the dorm room) just as long as long as I don't ever try to trick myself into believing I can be in two places at once.

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