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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Right now....

In August when the girls returned to school I had a jolt.  Then Lucy started going to Parent's Day Out on Mondays, all the way through lunch.   I developed a bit of a funk, somewhat undefined, but seeming to lean in the direction of "Oh, GEEZ!!"  I started thinking, am I making all the right choices, should I be doing more, or maybe less, am I using my gifts and talents (which are???), am I a good enough role model for my kids, do I focus on somethings too much, somethings too little?  I was in search of a quick answer and relief from my funk so in very short order  I decided that  I needed to return to teaching.  I reasoned that it was clear I was feeling this way because I just wasn't needed as much at home and I was taking an easy route by staying home with my family.  I could be more useful in a classroom somewhere.  Thank the Lord August is a terrible time to look for a teaching job.  As quickly as I decided to start looking for a job I decided that was not the answer.  I came to my senses thanks in large part to back to school night at the girls' school, as much as I love being a teacher I was reminded of the work load, the never ending, enriching but totally exhausting work.  I realized what I'd have to give up at home in order to be a teacher again. I went home confused but relieved.  A full time job wasn't the answer.
But what?
I can't tell you that I know the answer or answers yet but I can say the funk is gone and has been replaced with such a sharp sense of gratitude and genuine delightedness in the life I have.  I better understand that just because I absolutely love being at home and I have time to do things I enjoy plus have fun with my kids doesn't mean I'm taking the easy road.  I know being at home doesn't hold a candle to the stress of being a full time out in the work force mom but I truly feel that right now this is where I'm meant to be.  I'd convinced myself that with 2 kids in school and a toddler (and a tiny bit of free time)  that somehow this was easy and I wasn't giving life my all.  Boo hiss to that!  So with my sharpened focus on all that is good, I'm challenging myself to blog for the next week on all that I'm noticing!

Passing the day with Lucy is a joy.   One of my other children was in an icky, surly mood this morning.  So after getting that stinker and her sister off to carpool, Lucy and I decided we needed a walk.  We walked to Einstein's and after ordering I realized I 'd forgotten my wallet.  Did Lucy crab and whine...I mean she was all ready for her oj and chocolate chip bagel.  Nope, not even a whimper, I said let's go home and get momma's wallet so we can buy our food and she said "ok, momma".  Like ordering your food and then before getting your food going home to get your wallet was a totally normal progression of events.  After breakfast we went to the park and played and played and found ducks in the pond which cracked her up because they were "dwiking da wata, ewww gwoss".  Of course soon after she was eating the dirt so I'm not sure what was grossing her out.  The weather was perfect, the company even better.  So, so good.

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