Wednesday morning I found myself with a bad case of the vacation re-entry blues. Kevin was traveling, Emma was sick (poor thing had a fever of 102.5 within 2 hours of getting off of the plane Monday night), I had a long run to do and it was 14 degrees outside, I had about 25 other things that I needed to do and I was feeling like an idiot for ever thinking I could really figure out how to train for a marathon. I had unfulfilled commitments hanging over me and I was beating myself up for not being able to keep up with anything. It was taking just about all I had to get breakfast served, lunches packed, and the kids dressed and off to school without weeping into my coffee.
Somehow we dropped Eleanor off on time but half way to Lucy's school my phone rang, it was Eleanor and I'd actually dropped her off an hour early....it was a late start day. Inside I cried a little bit. I was meeting my friend Angela at 9:15 and she had a meeting which prevented her from starting any later. I'd have to cancel. As I turned the van around to pick Eleanor up I felt like a failure. Was there nothing I could do right? As we sat in the van outside of Captain until it was actually time for school I confided in Eleanor and told her something like--- I'm struggling. I don't want to run today, it's too cold. I feel silly ever thinking I could take on such a big goal. I just don't think I'll ever get caught up with all the cleaning and the laundry and I have so many commitments that I feel like I need to spend time on. And Emma's at home alone and I feel awful leaving her alone. I feel lost.
She just listened and then she smiled at me and told me it was ok. I saw her studying my face and just smiling. I felt peaceful and so thankful. Then we talked about school and how she was nervous about a little girl in her class who isn't very nice to her. She told me she thinks she's getting the hang of counting money and she wondered if maybe she could have a sleepover with her friend Maria soon.
The grace she gave me in that moment was palpable. Hearing myself complain about all of those tiny things, getting my feelings off my chest, and finding no judgement or worry and just love in the eyes of one of the people I'm most delighted with in the whole world was such a comfort.
And so,
I ran and it was hard and it was cold but I finished.
Emma was fine, she watched Netflix the whole time.
When I picked Eleanor up from school the first thing she said was "Great news mom! I know money! I got 100% on my test!"
Slowly I'm getting caught up and I'm remembering that I never really catch up.
We've started a new after school pick up routine which involves the girls walking to meet me about a block from school. I realize now that they can handle it.
I'm reminded that I want to get rid of some of the silly commitments I'm tethered to.
And I'm awe struck with the feeling that somehow, against what sometimes seem to be crazy odds, we're raising kids who are strong, and self-reliant and empathetic. They are just the kind of people this world needs. And exactly the people this momma needs.
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